It’s important to remember that you never have to give yourself up to make other people comfortable-ever. You can provide an excuse, like that you’re on antibiotics, or you aren’t feeling great or want to feel fresh for something you have going on the next day. That being said, you might not be at a place where you want people to know you’re not drinking, and that’s OK. There are exceptions to this, like if someone alludes to their own struggle with alcohol, and then I might offer up a bit more of my personal experience. If people press that response, I’ll either stare at them and hold an uncomfortable silence (this is enjoyable at some point), or just change the subject. These days, unless I’m feeling generous, I simply say, “I don’t drink,” and leave it at that. For a period it was, “I’m an alcoholic,” and that tended to silence anyone (for clarification, I no longer identify as an alcoholic). In the early days, I felt that it was my responsibility to answer the question, “How come you aren’t drinking?” I didn’t understand I could decline to answer or that I didn’t have to make sense to everyone. And if anyone has an issue with it or thinks I’m ridiculous, that’s their problem, and a sign that I’m going to dinner with the wrong people. I would never expect a sober person to pay for my booze if the situation was reversed. I usually grab the check, count up what I ate, add tax and tip, and give that amount. The simple way I handle these situations: I say, very matter-of-factly, that I didn’t consume any alcohol and I don’t want to pay for it. While you may not wish for this scenario to happen, for there to not be attention drawn to you, or for you to potentially be seen as the difficult, high-maintenance sober chick, this is one of the best things that can happen! This is an opportunity to assert for your needs, and therefore assert your worth.
In these moments, I have to remind myself that recovery isn’t just about not drinking it’s about remembering that I am first and foremost responsible for advocating for my own well-being and boundaries. I have always hated the feeling that I’m putting people out or being difficult. If you’re like me, this can feel entirely terrifying. However, when it has happened, I have to speak up to point out that I didn’t drink and I’m not subsidizing their drinking. Thankfully, there have only been a few times when someone at the table hasn’t pointed it out on my behalf and adjusted accordingly. Be patient and uphold your own standards. While it can be emotional and heartbreaking to watch some relationships veer off course, all you can do is trust that friendships will disintegrate or grow organically, and whichever direction they take is probably for a reason. Sobriety can be an incredible way to shed relationships you’ve outgrown as well as find new ones that align with your new values. It’s part of the sobriety package, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Even if your friends aren’t rocked by the not drinking thing, it’s possible that if they aren’t engaging in their own path of self-discovery, there may be tension at some point while you figure yourself out and evolve, and you may grow apart. Sobriety is kind of like the fast-pass line at Disneyland, except the ride is growing up. Some will certainly remain, but even those aren’t necessarily long-game friendships. This isn’t to say that all of your friends will be threatened, or that all of your friendships will change. Some of your friends, or the ones who are threatened by your decision, will do things like pretend it’s not happening, pressure you to drink, question your choice, or say something like, “Oh, you’re still doing that not drinking thing?” Sometimes they stop talking to you altogether. When you share that you’re no longer drinking, people might be freaked out by your decision you may have just thrown a wrench in their search for their own OK-ness, took away part of their own confirmation of their behavior and lifestyle. For instance, if you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t actually have a crappy relationship with drinking, you may constantly be trying to find reasons that support the argument that you don’t actually have a problematic drinking habit (like the fact that all of your friends do the same thing, so nothing seems wrong here).
So if all of your friends drink alongside you, then there’s no issue, right? Well, there’s a concept in psychology known as “ confirmation bias,” and it means that we often look for evidence to support something that we already believe to be true.
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